To Live Page 3

  As soon as I saw that it was a seven, my head began to pound. This time I lost bad. But when I thought again I figured, it’s okay, I can play on credit, and then I’ll have a chance at winning everything back like I always did. Feeling a bit relieved I said to Long Er, “Put it down in the book.”

  Long Er waved for me to sit down and said, “I can’t let you play on credit anymore. You’ve already lost your family’s 100 mu of land. If I extend your credit, what will you use to pay me back?”

  When I heard Long Er’s words I violently cut off my yawn before it was finished.

  “That’s impossible,” I stuttered. “It can’t be.”

  Long Er and two other creditors took out the account book and systematically went through it with me. Then Long Er patted me on the head, saying, “Young master, take a good look. The signatures are all written in your hand.”

  I suddenly realized that six months ago I had begun to owe them, and in the past six months I had gambled away all the property my ancestors had left. After going through half the books I said to Long Er, “Don’t bother counting.”

  I stood back up and, like a diseased chicken, walked out of the House of Qing. By then it was already light out. I stood in the middle of the street, not knowing where to go. Someone I knew carrying a basket of bean curd brightly called out to me, “Good morning, Mr. Xu!”

  His voice nearly scared the hell out of me, and I blankly stared back at him. His eyes squinted as he smiled, and he said, “Look at you! You look like shit!”

  He thought I’d worn myself out with those women. He didn’t realize that I was bankrupt, as poor as a hired worker. I forced a smile as I watched him saunter away. I figured it was a bad idea to stand there, so I started to walk.

  I made my way over to my father-in-law’s rice shop, where two workers were replacing a door panel. When they saw me they started to laugh—they thought I was going to yell out “good morning” to my father-in-law again. But where would I have had the courage or strength for that? I drew my head back and, staying close to another house, quickly passed by. I heard my father-in-law inside coughing followed by the “puh” sound of him spitting on the floor.

  And so just like that, muddleheaded and confused, I walked to the edge of town. For a while I even forgot I had lost my family’s fortune. My mind had become empty, like a hornet’s nest that has been stirred up. When I got outside of town I saw a small trail extending out toward me, and once again I was scared. I wondered what I should do next. I took a few steps down the trail, but my feet wouldn’t move. In all directions there was not a soul in sight. I simply wanted to hang myself with my belt and be done with it. Lost in thought I dragged myself forward, but when I passed an elm tree it took only one look for me to realize that I had not the slightest inclination to take off my belt. I didn’t really want to die, I just wanted to find a way to punish myself. I figured there was no way that damned debt would hang with me, so I said to myself, “Forget it, don’t kill yourself.”

  This debt was to be paid by my dad. As soon as I thought of Dad, my heart went numb. This time he would probably beat me to death. As I walked I kept trying to think of a way out, but no matter what, everything seemed to lead to a dead end. I had no choice but to head home. Being beaten to death by my dad was better than hanging from a tree like some stray dog.

  I didn’t realize it, but during that short walk home I had lost a whole lot of weight and my eyes had grown dull and colorless. When my mom saw me she screamed out in surprise. Staring at me in disbelief, she asked, “Are you Fugui?”

  Looking at my mom, I forced a smile and nodded my head. Shocked, she uttered something else, but I was no longer paying attention to her. I pushed the door open and went into my room. Jiazhen, in the middle of combing her hair, was also taken aback when she saw me. She gazed at me with her mouth gaping. As soon as I thought of how I had beaten her when she came to persuade me to go home the night before, I fell to the ground and, kneeling before her, muttered, “Jiazhen, I’m finished.”

  After speaking those words I began to cry out loud. Jiazhen rushed over to help me up, but being pregnant with Youqing, how could she support me? She called my mom over, and the two of them pulled me onto the bed. As I lay on the bed, bubbles of saliva dripped from my mouth. I looked like a corpse. They were scared to death and began patting me on the shoulder and rocking my head. I pushed them away and said, “I’ve lost everything we have.”

  My mother appeared dumbstruck; she stared at me with a look of intensity and asked, “What did you say?”

  “I’ve lost everything,” I repeated.

  The look on my face convinced her. My mother sat down on the floor and, wiping her tears, said, “If the upper beam is not straight, the lower ones will go aslant.”

  Even then my mother still loved me. She didn’t blame me, she blamed my father.

  Jiazhen also cried. She patted me on the shoulder and tried to console me. “As long as you don’t gamble anymore, everything will be all right.”

  I had nothing left. Even if I had wanted to gamble, I wouldn’t have had any money to stake a bet. I heard Dad in the next room shooting off his foul mouth. He still didn’t know that he was penniless—he was simply annoyed at being disturbed by the two women crying. As soon as she heard my father’s voice, Mom stopped crying. She stood up and walked out, with Jiazhen following her. I knew that they were going into my father’s room, and after a while I heard my dad begin screaming, “Bastard!”

  It was just then that my daughter, Fengxia, pushed the door open and came in. She closed the door and in a shrill voice said, “Dad, hurry up and hide! Grandpa’s going to beat you.”

  I just stared at her without moving a muscle. She then came over and tried pulling me away by the hand; when I wouldn’t budge she began to cry. Seeing Fengxia cry was like having a knife pierce my heart. Even at such a young age, Fengxia was trying to protect her dad. Just looking at her made me feel like I deserved to be cut to pieces.

  I heard my father angrily approaching, shouting, “You bastard! I’m going to dismember you, castrate you! I’m going to chop you into little pieces, you fucking bastard!”

  Okay Dad, come on in and chop me to pieces, I thought to myself. But as soon as Dad approached the door he fell on the ground, knocking himself unconscious. I heard Mom and Jiazhen shouting as they picked him up and brought him to his bed. After a while I heard the woodwind-like sound of my father weeping.

  Once my father took to his bed, he lay there for three days. The first day he cried like a sad bird, and after the sobbing stopped he began to sigh. All the sounds carried to my room. I heard the echoes of his grieving voice, “Retribution, it’s retribution.”

  On the third day, my father received guests. While the sound of his coughing filled the room, his voice was so low it could barely be heard. That night my mother came over to tell me that Dad wanted to see me. I got up from bed thinking, if this isn’t the end, I don’t know what is. I figured that after resting in bed for three days, Dad must have the strength to beat me half-dead, if not annihilate me. I told myself that no matter how bad he beat me, I wouldn’t hit back. As I approached Dad’s room I had no energy. My body grew weak, and it felt as if my legs didn’t belong to me. After entering his room, I stood behind my mother, stealing a glance at Dad as he lay in bed. He opened his eyes and looked at me. His white beard moved as he said to my mom, “Leave us.”

  My mom walked past me to leave. As soon as she left I felt empty inside. At first I thought, he might leap right out of bed and attack me. But he just lay there not moving. The blanket covering his chest slid off the bed and onto the floor.

  “Fugui . . .”

  Dad patted the side of the bed, saying, “Sit down.”

  My heart raced as I sat down next to him. As he stroked my hand I realized that his was as cold as ice. It was a chill that went straight to my heart. In a low voice, he said, “Fugui, a gambling debt is still a debt. Since ancient times there’s never been anythi
ng that says you shouldn’t pay your debts. The hundred mu of land and the house—I’m giving them up. Tomorrow they’ll bring the copper cash. I’m too old to carry the load. You’ll have to carry the money to repay the debt yourself.”

  Dad let out a long sigh as he finished. I was moved to tears. I knew he wasn’t going to beat me, but the words he spoke were as painful as death itself. It was as if my head had been severed by a blunt knife yet failed to fall off. Dad patted my hand. “Go to bed.”

  The next morning, just as I got up, I saw four men come into our courtyard. In front was a rich man wearing silk. He looked at the three poorly dressed porters walking behind him and, waving his hand, said, “Put it down.”

  Putting their load down, the three porters used their shirts to wipe the sweat off their faces. The rich man looked me in the eye but instead of addressing me called out for my father. “Master Xu, the merchandise you wanted has arrived.”

  Carrying the title deed for the house and property, Dad coughed repeatedly as he staggered out. He handed the deeds over and bowed slightly as he said, “Sorry to have troubled you.”

  Pointing to the three chests of copper cash, the man said to my father, “It’s all there, you can count it if you’d like.”

  My dad was completely without the qualities of a rich man. He just said respectfully, “That’s all right, there’s no need. Come in and have a cup of tea.”

  “No, thanks,” the man said.

  Then he looked at me and asked my dad, “Is this the young master of the house?”

  Dad nodded as he looked at me and snickered, saying, “Before you deliver the merchandise, pick some pumpkin leaves to put on top. Don’t let anyone steal it.”

  It was on that day that I carried the copper money over ten li into town to repay the debt. Mom and Jiazhen picked the pumpkin leaves we used to cover the top of the chest. When Fengxia saw them picking leaves, she picked out the two biggest to put on top. As I prepared to leave, Fengxia, not knowing I was going to repay the debt, gazed at my face and asked, “Dad, will it be a long time before you come home again?”

  My eyes watered up, and I almost dropped a tear as I heard her words. Without delaying another moment I lifted the load and walked toward the city. When I got to town, Long Er, seeing me carrying the load, affectionately called out, “Young master Xu, come on over.”

  I placed the load down before him. Pushing away the pumpkin leaves, he knit his brow and said, “Aren’t you making things hard on yourself? Exchanging some of this for silver dollars would save you a lot of trouble.”

  By the time I brought him the last load of copper coins, he’d stopped addressing me as young master. He nodded as he said, “Fugui, just put it down here.”

  Another creditor who was a bit friendlier patted me on the shoulder and said, “Fugui, let’s have a drink.”

  After hearing this Long Er swiftly added, “Yes, yes, have a drink. It’s my treat.”

  I shook my head, thinking I’d better go home. After just one day my silk clothes were ruined and my shoulders were oozing with blood. Alone, I walked home. I cried as I walked, I walked as I cried. Carrying the money that day had exhausted me to the point that every joint in my body felt dislocated. I wondered how many people had died of exhaustion for my ancestors to make this money. It was then that I figured out why my father had insisted on copper coins and not silver: he wanted me to understand this truth. He wanted me to know that money does not come easily. Thinking about it this way, I could no longer walk. I squatted down beside the road and cried until the muscles in my stomach began to twitch. It was then that our family worker Changgen, the same servant who used to carry me to private school, came over carrying a beat-up bag. He had worked for our family for decades, but now he, too, had to leave. My grandfather had taken him in at a young age after Changgen lost his parents. In the years that followed he never married. Just like me his eyes were flooded with tears, and the flesh of his bare feet was split open. Seeing me bent over beside the road, he called out, “Young master.”

  I screamed at him, “Don’t call me young master, I’m an animal!”

  He shook his head. “An emperor begging for food is still an emperor. You may have no money, but you’re still young master.”

  Hearing his words, more tears rolled down my face, which I had just wiped dry. He squatted down beside me and, burying his face in his hands, broke down in tears. After weeping together in silence I finally said to him, “Changgen, it’s getting dark. You’d better go home.”

  Changgen stood there for a while and then, step by step, began to walk away. I heard his droning voice echo, “What home do I have left?”

  I had hurt Changgen, too. Seeing him walk off in solitude, my heart felt wave after wave of pain. Only after Changgen had walked so far that I could no longer see him did I finally stand up and walk toward home. By the time I arrived, night had already fallen. Our family worker and maid had both already left. Mom and Jiazhen were in the kitchen, one making a fire while the other was preparing dinner. My dad was still lying in bed. Only Fengxia was as happy as before—she still didn’t know that from now on we would suffer bitterness and poverty. Bouncing and vivacious, she came over, pounced onto my legs and asked, “Why do they say I’m not a ‘miss’ anymore?”

  I caressed her small face but failed to utter a single word. At least she didn’t continue asking. She used her fingernails to scrape the caked-on mud off my pants and said happily, “I’m washing your pants for you!”

  When it was time to eat, my mother approached the door to Dad’s room to ask, “Should I bring your food in?”

  “I’ll come out to eat,” Dad replied.

  Holding the kerosene lamp with three fingers, Dad emerged from his room. The glow from the lamp danced upon his face, leaving it half illuminated and half cloaked in darkness. His back slumped over as he coughed incessantly. After sitting down he asked me, “Did you settle the debt?”

  “It’s settled.”

  “That’s good, that’s good,” Dad quietly repeated.

  After seeing my shoulders he continued, “And your shoulders were rubbed raw?”

  I didn’t make a sound but secretly looked at my mom and Jiazhen. Their eyes were brimming with tears as they looked at my shoulders. Dad, after slowly swallowing a few mouthfuls of rice, put his chopsticks down on the table and pushed his bowl away. After a while he continued, “A long time ago, our Xu family ancestors raised but a single chicken. When that chicken grew up it turned into a goose, the goose in turn grew into a lamb, and the lamb became an ox. This is how our family became rich.”

  Dad’s voice turned into a whisper. He stopped for a moment, then continued, “When it came into my hands, the Xu family ox became a lamb, and the lamb turned back into a goose. When it came down to you, that goose became a chicken, and now we are left without even a chicken.”

  When Dad finished his sentence he began to cackle. He laughed and laughed until his laughter turned to tears. He extended two fingers and pointed them toward me. “The Xu family has begotten two prodigal sons.”

  Less than two days later Long Er came. His appearance had completely changed. Opening his mouth wide to let out a sinister laugh, he revealed two new gold teeth. He had bought our house and land at a low mortgage rate and had come to check out his new property. Long Er kicked the foot of the wall, then pushed his ear up against the wall and patted it with his hand, saying, “Sturdy. Sturdy.”

  Long Er then went outside to take a walk around the property. When he came back he bowed to my father with his hands folded in front, saying, “Looking at these bright green fields, I can rest at ease.”

  As soon as Long Er came we had to move out of the family house, which had been passed down for generations, and into a small thatched hut. The day we moved, my father strolled in and out of the different rooms with his hands clasped behind his back. Finally, he said to my mother, “And I thought I would die in this house.”

  My dad brushed the dust off his s
ilk clothes and, extending his neck, crossed the threshold. Just like before, Dad clasped his hands behind his back and leisurely made his way to the manure vat. The sky was just beginning to grow dark, and only a few farmers were still working in the field. They all knew my father was no longer the owner, yet they held on to their hoes, calling out, “Master.”

  My dad smiled slightly and, waving his hand, said, “No need to call me that.”

  The land my father now strolled on was no longer his. His legs trembled as he walked to the edge of the property. He stopped in front of the manure vat and looked around in all directions. Then he undid his pants and squatted down.

  That day as dusk settled, my dad didn’t make a sound while he took his shit. His squinting eyes stared far off, and gradually the narrow trail leading to town became blurry. A worker standing beside him was bending over to reap some vegetables. By the time the farmer stood back up, my father could no longer see that small trail.

  Dad fell from atop the manure vat. The worker, hearing a noise, quickly turned around to see my father lying on the ground. His head didn’t move as it rested against the manure vat. Holding a sickle, the worker rushed over to my father, asking him, “Master, are you okay?”

  My dad’s eyelids fluttered. Staring at the worker, he asked in a raspy voice, “Who are you?”

  The worker bent over and said, “Master, it’s me, Wang Xi.”

  After thinking for a while, Dad said, “Oh, Wang Xi. Wang Xi, there’s a stone beneath me that’s hurting my back.”

  Wang Xi turned my father over to find a rock the size of a man’s fist. He tossed it aside. Lying there, my dad quietly uttered, “That’s much better.”

  “Should I help you up?” Wang Xi asked.

  Dad shook his head. Sighing, he replied, “No need.”

  And then my father asked him, “Have you ever seen me fall before?”

  Wang Xi shook his head. “No, master.”

  My dad seemed a bit happy, and he asked again, “So, it’s the first time?”