To Live Page 5

  Then, three months after Long Er had rented the land, Changgen, our family’s old worker, showed up. I was working in the field, and Mom and Fengxia were sitting on the ridge. Changgen walked over, wearing torn clothes and leaning on an old, withered tree branch. He was still carrying the same bag and, in his other hand, clasped an empty alms bowl. He’d become a beggar. Fengxia saw him first. She stood up and called, “Changgen! Changgen!”

  When my mother saw that it was Changgen, who had grown up in our home, she hurried to greet him. Changgen, wiping away his tears, said, “Madame Xu, I missed the young master and Fengxia. I just came back to see them.”

  Changgen walked out to the field. When he saw me wearing those coarse clothes covered in mud, he began to cry like a wounded bird, asking, “Young master, how could you have ended up like this?”

  After I lost our family property, Changgen was the one who suffered most. Changgen had worked for our family all his life, and, according to custom, when he got old it was supposed to be our family that took care of him. But once our family was reduced to poverty, he had no choice but to leave. All he could do was beg to get by.

  Seeing Changgen come back broke my heart. When I was little he would carry me all around on his back. And when I got older I never paid much attention to him. I never dreamed he would return to see us.

  “Are you doing all right?” I asked Changgen.

  Wiping away his tears, he replied, “Okay.”

  I asked, “You still haven’t found a family to give you work?”

  Changgen shook his head. “At my age, whose family would want to hire me?” Hearing this, I wanted to cry. But Changgen still didn’t feel his life was difficult—he was crying for me.

  “Young master, how can you take this kind of suffering?” he asked.

  That night Changgen stayed over in our thatched hut. My mother and I decided to let Changgen stay with us. Although from now on life would be even harder, I told my mom, “Even if it’s difficult, we’ve got to let him stay. If each of us eats just two mouthfuls less of rice we’ll be able to support him.”

  My mom nodded. “Changgen has such a good heart.”

  The next morning I told Changgen, “Changgen, you’ve come back at the perfect time. I was just short a helper. From now on you’ll stay here.”

  After hearing my words, Changgen looked at me and laughed. He laughed and laughed until tears began to fall.

  “Young master, I don’t have the energy to help you anymore,” Changgen quietly uttered. “Your good intentions are enough.”

  With those final words, Changgen left. No matter how hard we tried we couldn’t stop him. He said, “Let me go. I’ll be back to visit you some other time.”

  After Changgen left, he came back once more. He brought a piece of red silk for Fengxia to tie her hair up with. He had found it somewhere, and after cleaning it off he tied it to his waist and brought it all the way here especially for Fengxia. I never saw Changgen again after that.

  Since I rented Long Er’s land, I was his tenant. I couldn’t call him Long Er like I used to; I had to call him Master Long. In the beginning, when Long Er heard me address him like that, he would wave his hands and say, “Fugui, there’s no reason for the two of us to be so formal.”

  But as time went by he got used to it. When I was out in the field he would often come by to chat with me. Once when I was cutting the rice and Fengxia was behind me picking up the fallen ears, Long Er swaggered over. He said to me, “Fugui, I’ve given up. From now on I’m not going to gamble. No one’s a winner at the gambling house. I’m quitting while I’m ahead so as to avoid ending up like you someday.”

  I bowed to Long Er and said respectfully, “Yes, Master Long.”

  Long Er pointed to Fengxia and asked, “This is your little brat?”

  I bowed again, saying, “Yes, Master Long.”

  I saw Fengxia standing there with the rice ears in her hand, looking stupefied as she stared at Long Er. I quickly said to her, “Fengxia, hurry up and pay your respects to Master Long.”

  Fengxia followed my example and bowed to Long Er, saying, “Yes, Master Long.”

  I would often think of Jiazhen and the child in her belly. Two months after Jiazhen left, a messenger came with an oral message. He said Jiazhen had given birth to a boy. My father-in-law had named him Youqing. My mother quietly asked the messenger, “What’s Youqing’s last name?”

  “Xu,” the man replied.

  I was out in the field when the message came. My mother rushed out, running on her twisted little feet to tell me. Before she was finished I wiped away my tears. As soon as I heard Jiazhen had borne me a son, I threw down my hoe and began running toward town. I took about ten steps and then stopped. I was afraid that if I went into town to see Jiazhen and our son, my father-in-law wouldn’t let me past the door. I said to my mother, “Ma, hurry up and get your things together so you can go visit Jiazhen and the rest of them.”

  My mom kept saying she wanted to go into town to see her grandson, but after a couple of days she still hadn’t gone anywhere. I was in no position to press her. According to custom, if Jiazhen was taken away by her family, then it was her family’s responsibility to see her back home. My mom told me, “Youqing’s surname is Xu. Jiazhen will be coming home soon.”

  She added, “Jiazhen’s body is weak. It’s better for her to stay in town for a while so she has a chance to recover.”

  When Youqing was six months old, Jiazhen came home. When she returned she didn’t ride in a carriage—she walked over ten li carrying Youqing in a bag on her back. With his eyes closed and his little head bumping against his mother’s shoulders, Youqing came home to meet his dad.

  Jiazhen returned wearing a crimson cheongsam and carrying a white bag under her arm. She was beautiful when she came home. Both sides of the road along the way were golden with blooming rapeflowers, and honeybees made a buzzing sound as they flew around. Jiazhen approached our thatched hut and, without pausing, walked up to the door. She stood in the doorway smiling at my mother.

  My mother was sitting down weaving a pair of straw sandals. She raised her head to see a beautiful woman standing in the doorway. Jiazhen’s body blocked the sunlight, making her silhouette glow. My mother didn’t recognize Jiazhen, nor did she see Youqing behind her. My mother asked her, “Who are you? Whom are you looking for?”

  After hearing this, Jiazhen’s face lit up. She said, “It’s me, Jiazhen.”

  At the time, Fengxia and I were in the field. Fengxia sat on the ridge watching me work. I heard a voice call me. The voice sounded like my mother’s, but then again it didn’t really sound like hers. I asked Fengxia, “Who’s yelling?”

  Fengxia turned around to look. She said, “It’s Grandma.”

  I stood up and saw Mom bending over outside the hut, calling me with all her strength. Next to her was Jiazhen in that crimson cheongsam, holding Youqing. As soon as Fengxia saw it was her mother, she made off toward her. I stood there in the paddy field, staring at the way my mother was bending over to call me. She was straining herself, her two hands resting on her knees to prevent the top part of her body from falling over. Fengxia ran too fast, faltering and wobbling over the ridge before finally pouncing on Jiazhen’s leg. Holding Youqing, Jiazhen squatted down to hug Fengxia. It was only then that I finally walked up the ridge. Mom was still calling me, and the closer I got to them the more muddleheaded I became. I walked all the way over to Jiazhen and smiled at her. Jiazhen stood up and gazed at me for a moment. I was such a poor sight that Jiazhen lowered her head and gently began to sob.

  Her eyes filling with tears of joy, Mom said to me, “I told you Jiazhen is your woman, and no one can take her away.”

  As soon as Jiazhen came back, our family was complete. Now I had a helper when I worked, and for the first time I began to love and care for my wife. Actually Jiazhen was the one who pointed out to me that I was treating her differently; I myself didn’t even realize it.

  “Why don’
t you go up to the ridge for a rest?” I asked her.

  Jiazhen was born to an upper-class family in town, and her skin was soft and delicate. My heart broke watching her doing this heavy labor. When Jiazhen heard me telling her to take a rest, she was so happy that she smiled and said, “I’m not tired.”

  My mother often said, as long as a person is happy at work, then poverty is nothing to be ashamed of. Jiazhen took off her cheongsam and put on the same coarse cloth clothes that I had been wearing. All day she smiled, even though she was so tired that she could barely catch her breath.

  Fengxia was a good kid. When we’d moved from our brick house to this thatched hut she stayed as happy as always, and when we had to eat coarse grain she never once went outside to spit it out. When her little brother came home she was even happier. From then on she didn’t keep me company in the field—all she wanted to do was hold her baby brother. Poor Youqing—his sister had the opportunity to have four or five good years, but he only stayed in town for six months. Then he came to suffer with me. I feel it’s my son I’ve let down the most.

  Life went on like this for a year before my mother got sick. In the beginning she was just dizzy—Mom said everything was fuzzy and blurry when she looked at us. I really didn’t think anything of it. I thought, She’s getting old, of course her vision isn’t as clear as it used to be. Then one day, while Mom was making a fire, her head suddenly fell to one side, resting against the wall as if she was asleep. When Jiazhen and I returned from the field she was still leaning like that. Jiazhen called out to her, but Mom didn’t answer. When Jiazhen reached out her hand to shake her, Mom slid down the wall. Jiazhen cried out to me in fear. When I rushed into the kitchen, Mom woke up and stared at us for a while. We tried talking to her, but she didn’t answer. Then after a while she smelled something burning and realized that the rice was burnt. It was only then that she finally opened her mouth and said, “Heavens, how could I have fallen asleep?”

  In a panic, Mom started to get up but fell right back down. I rushed to carry her to her bed. Over and over again, Mom kept saying that she had fallen asleep, as if she was afraid that we wouldn’t believe her. Jiazhen pulled me aside and said, “Go into town and get a doctor.”

  Getting a doctor takes money, so I stood there without moving. From beneath her mattress, Jiazhen handed me two silver coins wrapped in a handkerchief. Seeing those silver coins made my heart ache—that money was what Jiazhen had brought back from town; all she had left were those two coins. But mother’s health made me worry more, so I took those two silver yuan. Jiazhen carefully refolded the handkerchief and put it back under the mattress. She then handed me a set of clean clothes to change into. I said to Jiazhen, “I’m going.”

  Jiazhen didn’t say anything, but saw me to the door. I walked a few steps and turned to see her again. She was fixing her hair as she nodded to me. This was the first time I had left Jiazhen since she had returned home. My clothes were ragged yet clean, and I headed toward the city wearing the new straw sandals that my mother had woven for me. Fengxia sat on the ground near the door, holding Youqing. Noticing how clean and tidy my clothes were, she asked, “Dad, aren’t you going down to the field to work?”

  I walked fast, and within half an hour I arrived in town—it had been over a year since I’d been there. As I entered the town I felt a kind of emptiness inside. I was afraid I’d bump into an old acquaintance. Who knew what they would say seeing me wearing these raggedy clothes? I was most afraid of seeing my father-in-law. I didn’t dare walk down the street the rice shop was on—I preferred to take a detour through some side alleys to avoid running into him. There was only a handful of doctors in town, and I knew every one of them. I also knew which doctors were straightlaced and which made their money by questionable means. I thought for a while and figured it was probably best to get Dr. Lin, who had set up shop next to the silk store. This old man was a friend of my father-in-law’s. To save Jiazhen a little face he would probably give me a discount.

  As I passed the estate of the county magistrate, I saw a child in silk tiptoeing to the door, trying to grab hold of the copper door-knocker. The child was about the same age as Fengxia, and I suspected he was the magistrate’s son. I walked up to him and said, “I’ll help you knock.”

  The child nodded happily, and I grabbed hold of the knocker, banging it a couple of times. Someone inside responded, “Come in.”

  It was then that the small child said, “Let’s run!”

  It still didn’t hit me what had happened. The child managed to stay out of sight by keeping close to the wall before slipping away. As soon as the door opened a man dressed in servant’s clothes appeared. Taking one look at the clothes I was wearing, he just pushed me away without saying a word. I never expected he would do that, and with that one shove I lost my balance and fell down the steps. I picked myself up, and while initially I just wanted to forget it and be on my way, the servant followed me down the stairs to kick me, adding, “You dare come begging without taking a good look at what kind of place this is!”

  All at once my temper flared, and I cursed him. “I’d rather gnaw at the rotten bones in your ancestors’ graves than beg from you!”

  He jumped on me and began hitting me. I took a blow to the head, but not without kicking him. There we were wrestling in the middle of the street. This guy was sly, and seeing that he couldn’t beat me he tried kicking me in the groin. Me, I kicked him in the butt a few times. Neither one of us really knew how to fight, so we just wrestled around for a while until a voice from behind yelled, “What a pathetic sight! Two animals grappling about—it’s pathetic as all hell!”

  We stopped fighting and turned around to see a brigade of Nationalist troops in yellow uniforms standing behind us. There were about ten cannons the size of doors being pulled by horses. The man who had just yelled had a pistol on his belt; he was an official. The servant really knew how to kiss up. As soon as he saw the official he immediately nodded and bowed. “Senior officer, greetings senior officer.”

  The official waved his hands at us, saying, “Two stupid mules that don’t even know how to fight. Come on and pull this cannon for me.”

  As soon as I heard this, the hair on my head stood on end—he was going to conscript us. The servant was also nervous. He walked forward and said, “Senior officer, I’m from the house of the county magistrate.”

  The official said, “The son of the county magistrate should be even more willing to serve his country.”

  “No, no.” The servant was so scared he began to stutter. “I’m not the magistrate’s son. Beat me to death and I still wouldn’t dare claim to be his son. Platoon leader, I’m the county magistrate’s servant.”

  “Fuck you!” the official cursed. “I’m the company commander!”

  “Yes, yes, company commander, I’m the county magistrate’s servant.”

  No matter what the servant said it was not only no use, but it started to annoy the company commander. The commander stretched out his hand and gave him a wicked slap across the face. “Stop with the fucking bullshit and go pull the cannon!” he ordered. He looked at me: “You, too!”

  I had no choice, so I grabbed hold of one of the horses’ reins and went with them. I thought, when the time comes I’ll find an opportunity to escape. The servant was still up front pleading with the commander. After walking a ways, the commander surprisingly granted his wish.

  “Okay, okay, you can leave,” he said. “Little bastard’s annoying the hell out of me!”

  The servant was so happy, I thought he was going to kneel down and kowtow to the commander. But he didn’t kneel, he just kept wringing his hands as he stood before the commander. The company commander said, “What the hell are you waiting for? Get the hell out of here!”

  The servant said, “Yes, yes, I’m just leaving.”

  As the servant finished he turned around and left. The commander took his pistol from his holster, and, straightening his arm and closing one eye, took aim a
t the servant. The servant had taken over ten steps when he turned around to take a look. What he saw shocked him, and he stood there without moving. Like a sparrow in the night he let the commander take his aim. It was then that the commander said to him, “Get going! Walk!”

  The servant thumped to the ground. kneeling, he called out through his tears, “Company commander, company commander, commander.”

  The commander fired a shot at him. It didn’t hit him, but a ricocheting rock cut his hand. His hand started to bleed. The commander waved his gun at the servant saying, “Stand up, stand up.”

  He stood up, and the company commander said, “Get out of here, go!”

  He cried repentantly, stammering as he spoke, “Commander, I’ll pull the cannon.”

  The commander extended his arm again and for a second time took aim, saying, “You’d better start running!”

  And then, as if the servant suddenly understood, he turned around and began to run like hell. Just as the commander fired off a second shot, the servant ran into an alley. Looking at his gun, the commander cursed, “Fuck, I closed the wrong eye.”

  The company commander turned around and, seeing me standing behind him, approached me with his gun held out. He pressed the barrel of the pistol against my chest and said, “You can leave, too.”

  My legs began to tremble uncontrollably. I figured even if he closed both eyes this time, he’d still send me to heaven with a single bullet. I pleaded, “I’ll pull the cannon, I’ll pull the cannon.”

  With my right hand I grabbed the reins; with my left I firmly grasped the two silver coins in my pocket that Jiazhen had given me. As we left the city I saw some thatched huts in the fields that looked like mine. I lowered my head and began to cry.